The Unknown

by | Aug 20, 2021

Struggling with something to write this morning but I know I have to write something.

This week was a week off chemo so it was a nice break from talking about my my disease.  That being said, I have felt a little more anxiety and overwhelm than usual.  A friend helped me understand the anxiety is probably from things that are still left uncertain:  Still don’t know the origin, still not set on a physician and path forward, should I get additional testing, what are the results of the final laboratory reports, why is my body suddenly feeling so sore.  Getting these out of my head in into a written form I can look back on and create a plan to tackle the unknown items still left.

I don’t think there will ever be a time when everything is known but if I can just “solve” the ones I can then maybe I can decrease my anxiety.

This is also a weekend when Eric and I have our sons with us.  While I know we both need this time apart and with our youngest children, both will be seniors this year, I feel anxious that he will not be able to be with me.  What is that and where does that come from?  A dear friend told me she felt the same way after her diagnosis and would go the the gym and stand under the shower just to hear others speaking and not feel alone.

A plan, that is what I need for the weekend.  With all this going on I have totally missed the fact that school starts in 10 short days.  Luke will need school supplies and clothes to go back to school with.  I can take him for those things, but where?  Target is an obvious option for school supplies but where do 17 year old boys buy clothes?  In the past I would take him to the mall but, if you haven’t been there recently, it is decimated and empty and actually kind of sad to visit.

There are also things to be done around the house: clean up after the dog, cut the grass, clean out the refrigerator, bathe and brush the dog, clean, put my clean laundry away.  All pretty boring on their own but together are a plan to keep my mind off what a mess my life has become.

Also there are the nights when I will be sleeping alone in my bed.  From the start, Eric has spent every night he could with me to help me through the mornings.  On weekends we have our sons, he sleeps at his place.  It is so silly to me that I dread being alone in my own bed.  I remember a time in my life when I couldn’t wait to sleep alone in my bed so why is it so scary now?  Again just another thing I can’t explain.

I now I can do it.  I know I can plan a weekend to keep Luke and I occupied and help me sleep by myself.  I have to remember that even though I feel alone, I am not alone.  God has been with me through this journey and will be with me to the end.  I know he is begging me to lean on him and I am trying to do that more.

Todays bible devotional from Jesus Calling was about God’s healing power.  Seems like that was meant for me to see, especially this morning.

“I am a God who heals. I heal hurt bodies, troubled minds, aching hearts and difficult relationships”  – Amen


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