Feeling a little lost

by | Sep 28, 2021

Today and yesterday have been a little harder than the week before.  I know it is all part of the journey and confusion with treatment plans does not help, especially when you are a planner.

My original plan was to have four treatments then rescan and reassess.  This past week when I met with my doctor’s nurse I was told to schedule treatment number 5.  I know I am not done with chemo but my mind was set on getting a scan before moving forward.  The nurse explained that since I was feeling so well and feeling improvement, there was no need to scan because they could tell the chemo was working.  I would still like to know how well it is working so am waiting for them to get approval for another PET scan while waiting for the next round of chemo.

During the waiting for the next round of chemo I am feeling the weight of the things I wish I could do right now.  I miss my mom and want to see her.  I always feel so at peace and comfortable when I am with her.  She turned 80 this summer and I wanted to head to Pittsburgh to celebrate with her but I had treatments.  She fell again a few weeks ago and I just want to be with her and hug her.  I want to travel!  Being locked down with COVID was hard enough but now that things are opening up, being tied to bi weekly chemo treatments has held me back.  I want to go out west and tour the national parks, I want to go to see Spain and visit the town my family is from, I want to go to a Caribbean , dig my toes in the sand and watch the sun rise and set.

I don’t know if I ever will get to make these trips.  I battle in my head that I should have done it when I was younger but as a single mother who was still trying to find her way back to a career that could support my lifestyle, the money just was not there.  I can’t keep looking at what I missed out on though because that does not serve me well.  What I was able to do was to keep my children in the house they grew up in with the same schools they attended when their parents got divorced, I was able to move my daughter to private school when she faced unceasing bullying in public school and I was able to provide for my children’s needs for food, clothing and a safe home.

I took care of everyone else and left my needs and wants for a later time.  Of course my time is coming as I now have a job that supports my lifestyle and my youngest is getting ready to head off to college.  But then the diagnosis. It almost seems unfair to me that I gave so much to others and when my time finally comes around I don’t know how long I will be here to enjoy it.  At least I don’t want to be sickly the time. I pray that God’s plan for me includes many years of health and happiness and I have to believe that it does.  There is so much I still have to and want to do.  I just hope that is what God’s plan for me is.

My gratitude for today: I got to walk again and not feel any neuropathy, The beautiful colors that are starting to emerge, the early and beautiful sunrise I saw this morning.

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